Just wait...

Time pulling slowly at the hem of things, and when emotions charge and dance for attention in a rattling rave the cocktail ever ends up tasting like depression. A little confused between harboring destructive feelings and teasing out the new direction my path is taking. How valuable then is inner peace in the middle of all things, is trust, is a gentle allowing..What we don’t see, those are the things that in the end destroy us, and what we don’t expect or plot, those are the things that define our future and happiness. Happiness is never as I could have expected it, most likely because it’s realer than my imagination is capable of producing, because it has a life of its own and couldn’t be the result of a well-executed endeavor. I feel like a little listening girl again, not wanting to get too excited about the material things around me, and yet enjoying them with a relish warranted by their ephemeralness. I think I do live in a little insular world, and maybe that’s not too terrible a crime, just a reality I’ve traveled into, and remain inside through an ever increasing consciousness.

Yet I’m chancing the idea of going out and chasing happiness for a while, to see if it leads me right back home. And maybe giving up reaching for the ideals, and instead just being who I am, honestly. I’m find this to be the best policy as of late; course and floppy, but honest, and able to shine forth the stronger for it, as the channel clearer of the obstructions I placed there in a thought for my improvement.

Oh Lord, what wilt Thou have me do? And an answer is always given, and for now is the same as always, and I am grateful for it, realizing once more its necessity and benefit. Back and forth and around I swing from excitement, frustration, despair, without ever nudging the immovable reality of the present. If only I let myself, just for a moment, delight in the sweetness of now, to forget happiness as a kind of goal, and swim along in it as it passes all around me. Then, I think, already so much would be easier, so much would have been accomplished.