The leaving and taking of Home

The newest of crescents hanging overhead like a spangled earring from the edge of the sky. A quivering in my chin won’t let me go; I’ve come face to face with plenty of personality hitches last weekend, and I’m a bit shaken up by them. I see myself again, the me I left home with eight years ago, the me when I loved living so dearly that I forgot to notice the spinning amalgamation of a human being beneath my skin.

I see how I can hold people hostage; under the gun of a dramatic reaction, of a black mood, of a knowing that another person is unhappy in their company. Strong, yet unknowable rules built to shelter a fragile existence, one that needs peace so badly it can sacrifice all connection to its fellow men. Peace and a home of my own; a real home, perhaps, and finally, now that home as the physical place I grew up in has all but disintegrated. My sister and I wonder, where is it? Its here, beneath the trees that are growing, on the grass that renews itself each year, amongst the wildflowers that whither indoors. We surface, two strongly alike and vastly different people, riders on the same disoriented bus, sculptors of the same unbalanced work, still wet, still in progress. We feel a guilt we can't express, a resentment also that seeps into the relationships we surround ourselves in to feel trusted and loved. Standing knee deep in the yet rippling water, we hold fistfuls of love; sometimes crushed under the pressure of our grip, sometime wriggling free despite ourselves, but ever ready to be dispensed, ever seeking its home and its place to do good.

My sister and I have a sort of home in each other. In our solemn and ridiculous, unspoken and gushing way, we cannot help but strum a tender and well-worn cord whenever we meet. In this cord is trust, which I realize I do not dispense easily, and which does not need to be dispensed with her, because it simply is, whether I will it or not. The things I forget to notice come ever dearer to me now, for I am slowly discovering that they form the greater part of me, that they make the better part of me.