April after all

The blast of wind after today’s bitter rain seemed to laugh in goldening sunlight, as if to say “it was only an April rain, after all”. I believed it for a moment, and breathed in the sun. Still, I felt as though in a spiral, the essence of me disturbed and confused, a mucky mess, an indefinable blob as raw as the dark garden soil awaiting growth. Daffodils have joined the crocus choir on the South bank, and at the end of today, I finally feel the opening relief.

Through rain-lashed windows I saw the water bead and sheet into images of turbulent past. So much was set aside, and very quickly. As parts of me realize the lost they sound a twang of regret, or a pitiful cry of "Unfair!". We often don't remember Winter till it's done, then think back to the stark, bare beauty, the dreaming of long nights, the crisp emptiness of days, and pull away in thought from the raw power surge of Spring. Spring has begun though, and life can only go forward, never back, so why do I linger? I come to feel that we do not fully understand the impact we have on our fellow beings; how our presence and attention change the people and circumstances around us. Does love freely given, to what is now revealed to be a misconception still return in the reaping as genuine love? Can I ever pin down an understanding of that which is true goodness in myself, that which is truly meaningful and valuable to others? The little secrets of genuineness flutter passed me like sleepy yet uncapturable cabbage moths. Life being more mutable, faceted, and within our power to change than we ever thought possible rests sweetly and heavily upon me.

I'm sore, but the hard freeze cracked. The revolution of Nature is just beginning: from the ground up green boldly and undeniably over-comes the frail veil of colorlessness. The wavering will stop, and Winter will dare not disturb the smiling gaze of so many delicate blossoms. It is won with patience, it is won with love, hope, and joy. Life is reclaimed through effort and vigilance, through trust and faithfulness. We make a place for life in our own hearts, and guard the tender green until it has strength enough to fill us up whole.