Unrelinquished

Tidied up the pile of empty wrappers, found a note I regretted forgetting and fished a wriggling ladybug from the paint-water. Wait a few minutes for the tea, relax an aching wrist and forearm. One of those lonely, dangerous days, when life is a shadow of what it could be, when eyes and teeth are extensions of a tattered state; biting and looking about, rimmed in dull red, impatient.

When ill, all life is a poignant exercise in experiencing - each littered moment a metaphor. As I struggle to allow myself to exist, life blares forth around me, clamoring into the foreground, numbing my effect upon it.

Felt different now for about a year. A year long voyage across the sea, the rough weather breaking only in intervals, while the bulk of the voyage progresses in one long tightening swell of remorse and despair. By shaking waves, but ebb and flow, I’ve undergone a sea change. Dinged and polished at once, in the refining yet wearing dance the ocean currents preform, tossed, uplifted and pulled down under the great weight of watery being. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to open all this up, reveal it and look plainly upon it, but I’m here now, and I feel like I have to regard it.

Taken aback by how much I still search for acceptance and recognition from others. This gnawing for recognition, for attention on my own terms, for praise I can understand, for qualities I myself choose to cultivate, for the person I have decided I am. Friendship I am just waking up to, compassion for myself a peaceful shrine to a pilgrim just beyond her door, and the blessing of help available at my fingertips if only frightened lips would dare part to ask for it. Usually, I feel all alone, and this along with many other limited perspectives that have become reality, must begin to fade. Everyday I choose again to allow myself to exist; let Love guide me, let me ever again decide to turn my face to It’s endless Justice, for I am allowed to remain here by It, and I must not give up on that which Love had not relinquished either.