Anticipation in joy

Dawn broke in the east, standing the hemlocks in dark contrast against the pale promise of light. In the south, a moon just past full poured his radiance past a friendly star and into pools of milky softness on my bedroom floor. So Summer days are started, leaping in on one another in eager anticipation of what adventures will come. I love soft gusts of wind that feel more like welcoming friends than elements of nature, Summers that linger on the doorstep of heat, and chicories that out-blue the sky. The Sun set under a roof of thunder clouds now spent; a slanting light reaches each dewy morsel in the meadow, setting life aglow.

I feel sort of at an end to things, not sure what’s to come next, or how I should go there. Deep thoughts of despair, and a cloud of disinterest hang over eyes that would glimpse a beautiful Summer. What will happen next? Maybe this is a shade of a feeling once before, on the crest of Eowyn’s wave, utterly dark before her feet. My husband and I are probably very much alike: speaking too quietly and requiring too much effort in the listening. He’s burdened down with work and unheeded, I’m swallowed up in strange waters, as what I remembered of myself slips away. It will have to change, somehow.

As a child chasing butterflies, so I chase happiness. And when it rests upon my outstretched fingers, so often my peals of delight send it flying away once more, and loosing sight of my treasure when eyes were shut for laughter, the song dies away in my throat, and each step forward feels feeble. Maybe I'll tire of the game some day, and looking around me for the first time, regard the happiness inherent in all Creation; the joy in being which remains so elusive to feeble humanity. In anticipation I fumble awkwardly through life, hoping for the sweet relief of acceptance and home right around the corner. If I could only just solidly convince myself that home begins in my own heart, and that only acceptance needed is that of myself, perhaps all at once I will find myself at work, and in joy.